Varos Seven
ROCKET: (GROANS) This place smells like the wrong end of a Chitauri slime slug! (SIGHS) Yeah, brings back a lot of great memories of hanging out here with Yondu and the Ravagers. The fun games they used to have me play "Scrub the Decks," "Lug the Grub," "Unclog the Latrine. " Aw, krutack! Those weren't games, were they? Quill, I hate to interrupt this stroll down memory lane, but we need to find the sarcophagus before it falls into the hands of the Believers. (METAL CLATTERING) Right, Rocket? - Hey, is it my fault Yondu stole it? - Actually, it is. Picky, picky. Besides, even if those nutjobs get their grubby paws on that thingy, there's only a 50-50 chance it'll destroy the universe. - Those are terrible odds. - Relax, Gamora. Now, if I know Yondu (CHUCKLES) And I do know Yondu, he probably stashed the sarcophagus in one of these old hideouts until he can negotiate the best deal. All we gotta do is search each one until we find it. - Easy as pie. - I have attempted pie. It is extremely difficult, especially the crust. My sensitive snout can't take much more of this. Let's give this dump a once-over and get outta here. (SHOUTS) (GRUNTS) I am Groot! Careful, Rocket. These Ravager hideouts are notorious for booby traps. That's right! And I'm the booby who set those traps. Oh, I mean, I built these when I was a teenager, and they still work like a charm. But don't worry. You stick close, you don't touch anything, I can get you through. (BEEPS) (DISCO MUSIC PLAYING) This will not end well. Just do what I do. Come on, it's awesome! This is almost as difficult as pie. (SHOUTS) And almost as deadly as your pies, Drax. Besides, dancing is for suckers! (CHUCKLES) GAMORA: Any sign of the sarcophagus? Nope, but I found this! (ROCKET GROANS) Oh, come on! It's a monkey, people. And it plays the drums! I am Groot? (SHRIEKS) (SHRIEKS) (DEVICE POWERING UP) Huh? What did you do? Oh, I think he triggered one of my old booby traps. Oh, yeah! Oh, I remember this one. You've reached the Ravagers' hideout. Hey, look. That's me. We're not right here now, but prepare to be destroyed at the beep. Beep! Better luck next time! Oh, wait. There won't be a next time. (YOUNG QUILL LAUGHING) I hate this kid. (GRUNTING) YOUNG QUILL: Congratulations. You have activated a patented Peter Quill booby trap. Quill, you built this trap! - Where's the kill switch? - There isn't one! What kind of idiot builds a trap without a kill switch? Oh, give me a break! This is some of my earliest work! You should see my later stuff. If we live that long! All right, this way! Only step on the green tiles. Or it might have been the red ones. Yeah, it's the red ones! ROCKET: Quill! Where'd you get so many krutackin' barrels? Cargo ship raid, back in the day. I always wondered what was in them. (GRUNTS) This smells like Rajak root slime. Rajak root slime? That stuff's more potent than proton fuel! (BEEPING) Oh (COUGHING) (GROANS) (ALL COUGHING) Man, I told you I make some awesome traps. Did you happen to notice that you almost got us incinerated? But I didn't! Where's Groot? Ah, krutack! He's still inside! Groot, where are ya? Whoa! I am Groot! You stayed here for an egg? Very wise. Eggs are part of a nutritious breakfast. And omelets are much easier than pie. (GRUNTS) I am Groot! Easy! Nobody's gonna cook your precious egg! Groot can get very attached to helpless weaklings. You should not describe yourself in such a manner. I meant we should let him keep the stupid egg until this nurturing phase has run its course. Fine. How long can that take? QUILL: Groot! That's my chair! I am Groot. (BEEPS) (GROANS) ROCKET: He's got a point. It is the comfiest seat on board, especially with the temperature control and built-in massager. Yeah. I know. That's because it's my seat! How am I supposed to fly the ship? (SIGHS) I am Groot. (YAWNS) Three more hideouts, and still no sarcophagus. Whoa! Ow! Hey, where's my hammock? (GASPS) (WHISPERS) I am Groot. Don't shush me. That's my hammock! And my mitt! I am Groot. (GRUNTING) Anyone seen my headphones? (CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING) Rocket said Groot heard that playing music was supposed to be good for intelligence. Oh, yeah. My mom did that with me. I am Groot. (MUSIC STOPS) Groot? Hey, buddy, I found the perfect place for your egg. It's warm and cozy. It has dim lighting and soothing ambient sounds. Ooh! I am Groot. And best of all, it's nowhere near my stuff. Much better. All right, what's our status? We're approaching the Ravager hideout on Veros Seven. Yes! That hideout has my trap-making masterpiece. My magnum opus. Oh, okay, that has to be where Yondu hid the sarcophagus, 'cause my trap there is so mind-blowingly awesome. You do realize we don't actually want to get caught in one of your stupid traps, right? Well, duh. The only thing I'm better at than building traps is dodging them. There isn't a trap made that I can't get out of, except maybe my masterpiece on Veros Seven. No one can get outta that bad boy! (ENGINES POWERING DOWN) GAMORA: Engines are shutting down! Whoa! I just did our 400,000-light-year checkup! What could've caused this? (GASPS) Groot! I am Groot. Just 'cause Quill told you to stay here don't mean you gotta listen to him! Uh, Groot, old buddy, I'm sorry I stuck you in there, but if we don't get those engines cleared, all you're gonna be left with is scrambled eggs! I like scrambled eggs. - Although, I prefer omelets. - Not helping! (ALL SHOUTING) Okay, just so you know, I blame you for this. You and the stupid egg that's probably never gonna hatch! I am Groot! Cool down, both of you! This damage ain't as bad as it looks. Well, fine! You fix it while we go and check the Ravager hideout. Drax, stay and give me a hand. Groot ain't gonna be much help. (SING SONG) I am Groot. QUILL: Try and keep up, will you? (GRUNTS) - Be patient with him. - Oh, sure. "Everybody be patient with Groot!" No one was half this nice when I got into roller disco. Groot's behavior is selfless, nurturing, and irritates the krutack out of you. I don't have a problem with any of those things. (QUILL SCREAMS) Halt, non-Believers. Black Dwarf and Proxima Midnight? Oh, that's great. 'Cause this day just wouldn't be complete without a couple of Black Order goons! You have something we want. Give it to us, or be destroyed! I am Groot! Groot, FYI, I kind of blame you for this, too. (SHOUTS) (YELLING) The sarcophagus! Where is it? (GRUNTS) (SHOUTS) (GRUNTS) (GRUNTING) The sarcophagus and its contents will be ours, for we believe. Believe this! - I am Groot! - Anytime you wanna help, Groot! - Bring me the sarcophagus! - Not on your life. (GRUNTS) (GROWLING) (GROANS) Did the entire Black Order join up with those crackpot Believers? Maybe their buddy Ebony Maw got them a group discount! The tree is hiding something. It must be what we seek. (GRUNTS) Give it your best shot. We got you outnumbered. That's unfortunate, but it's still an even match. (BLACK DWARF ROARING) Stand still and accept your fate! You first! (SIGHS) (GROWLS) (YELLS) You cannot win, for I believe I am impervious to your attacks. (ENERGY PULSING) (STRAINING) I believe I will break free. (GROWLS) Whoa. Quill! (SIGHS) (CHUCKLES) Eyes on the enemy! Tell your cowardly wooden friend to give us the sarcophagus! He doesn't have it! None of us do! Liar! I believe we will bury you. (PANTING) QUILL: Groot! (GASPS) Little help? (GROUND RUMBLING) Ha! Who's buried now, sucker? I believe it's you! - I am Groot! - Well, look who decided to show up after leaving us high and dry. I am Groot. Tell Groot I'm not talking to him. Let's focus on finding the sarcophagus before the Believers get their hands on it. Okay, the path's a bit overgrown, but I think the Ravagers' hideout is over there. And tell this walking knothead to stay out of my way! (GRUNTING) As promised, one Ravager hideout. Doesn't look like anyone's been here in years. (GASPS) - There it is! - The sarcophagus? Nope, my magnum opus! The trap to end all traps. Tell Groot not to touch my masterpiece. I am Groot. - What did he say? - I have no idea. Watch this. Even the slightest touch will trigger the Huh. Is it Will, will trigger the Oh, come on! (GRUNTING) (HUFFING) All right, must be sand in the gears. Nothing a good old blast of wind won't fix! Should you really be doing that? I just want to make sure the trap is working in case those Black Order goons show up (AIR WHOOSHING) (ALL COUGHING) Uh-oh. (ALL YELLING) QUILL: Okay, it's working! This is your famous trap? It's just a big hole in the ground. Uh, you think? (ALL SCREAMING) (SIGHS) Big hole in the ground, huh? - I dare you to find a way out! - You're on! (YELLING) Whoa! Not one word. (SOFTLY) One word. - Welcome to the Star-Lord 2000X-Scape. - I didn't say anything. He did! It's the latest in trap-making technology. (GRUNTING) Can't get a grip? That's because this baby's built with a seamless, frictionless, 12-inch metal alloy. But wait! There's more! It also has our patented randomized laser grid. - It slices, it dices! - Rocket! Drax! Can you hear me? And don't even think about calling for help, 'cause this trap comes with a powerful EMP generator, guaranteed to stop any broadcast signals from getting out. - Don't call now, - Ha! I don't remember - being that annoying back then. - Some things never change. So, what now, genius? And this is my fault? EBONY MAW: It appears you were telling the truth after all. At least the part about the walking tree not having the sarcophagus. Well, look who joined the party. The original Black Order Believer himself, Ebony Maw. Apparently, I'll need to extract the location of the sarcophagus directly from your minds. Ha! Good luck with that! Even the most powerful Believer can't just wish for that kind of mental ability. I don't need to wish. I believe. More importantly, so does everyone on that ship. Their Belief Energy powers me a thousandfold! And you will believe, too! Can you believe this (ALL SCREAMING) (ALL SCREAMING) I will find the location of the sarcophagus, even if it tears your minds apart! (QUILL GROANING) With Quill, how will you know the difference? Hey, I heard that! My mind is as sharp as a (SCREAMS) (GROANS) Now let us see what secrets this mind holds. (MONKEY SHRIEKING) (CYMBALS BANGING) (SHRIEKING) What vile abomination is this? (GRUNTS) It's a monkey playing the drums. Come on, man, it's funny! You think this is a joke? (YELLS) (ALL SCREAMING) I am Groot? Groot (ALL SCREAMING) (SHRIEKS) Dude, why didn't you tell me you were hatching an energy-absorbing parasite? Who can do that! Nice birdie! Whoa! (YELPS) I am Groot! (SCREECHES) Your pathetic pet can't save you from my mental siphon! (GROWLING) Really? 'Cause it looks like baby bird's doing a little siphoning of his own! Boom! It shorted out the pit's defenses! I am Groot. (SCREECHING) Groot. Hey, what about us? Whoa! (PANTING) (BIRD SCREECHING) Whoa! Okay, drop us anywhere! I believe we will be saved! (ENGINE HUMMING OVERHEAD) I am Groot! (SCREECHES) Impossible! No! Don't leave us! - We still have a score to settle. - Brain freeze! (SCREAMS) I believe we should run! - They're getting away. - I don't think so. Wait for it. You know, those traps aren't as useless as I thought. Groot, I'm sorry I gave you such a hard time about that egg. I had no idea that it was gonna turn into an awesome lightning-shooting space eagle! (BIRDS SCREECHING) Wait. He's not the only one? Apparently, Yondu stole the egg from this planet. What are the odds? Groot. (SIGHS) I am Groot. (SCREECHING) You're just gonna let him go? I know that was hard, Groot, but it was the right thing to do. Don't you agree, Peter? Yeah, I guess so. But, I mean, a lightning space eagle? That would have totally rocked! DRAX: Am I to understand that you did not locate the sarcophagus? What a waste of time! Well, not a total waste. I did find something down there. Something for you, Groot. You know, to make up for me being such a jerk. I am Groot. (CREATURE COOING) I am Groot? (SCREECHING) (GROANING) I am Groot! QUILL: What? How was I supposed to know? Category:The Universe